As the new guy on KISS FM, and the new guy to the entire state of Wisconsin, I’m learning something new every day. I’ve lived across the country and bounced around quite a bit doing radio, so nothing really surprises me much. Well, I have to admit that when I first heard the words Testicle Festival, I was surprised. The KISS FM Program Director, Joe Marroe, was talking to me about it and it basically went like this.
Reed: “Testicle Festival?! Like…okay…what exactly goes on there?”
Joe: “You drink beer, and eat balls!”
Reed: “When you say ‘balls’ you mean..”
Joe: “Cow NUTS!”
Reed: “……….”
I had so many questions. First of all, I didn’t even know that people actually ate cow balls. But they do. Oh, they do. And they LOVE them. Joe was explaining to me that they were deep fried pieces of bull testicles, and you dip them in sauce. We then had about a 20 minute conversation about what they taste like, which got us absolutely nowhere because I just couldn’t even wrap my head around the fact that I was actually having this conversation. My general take away was that they were just O-K. Alright.
(You best believe I’ll tell you exactly what they taste like in a little bit.)
That’s the deep fried cow cojones in all it’s glory. Just kinda look like fried chicken or fish or something. Okay, more on the fried cow family jewels later, let’s talk about the Testicle Festival itself.
Located in what seems like quite literally the middle of nowhere in Dundas, Wisconsin. I don’t even think there is a single traffic light in Dundas. It’s a town of basically two bars. 2-of-a-Kind (Great Bloody Marys) and Rocky & Tara’s Nut Haus. Smack dab in between the two watering holes is home to the Testicle Festival. They bring in giant tractors to block the streets off, throw up some tents, a stage, roll out the beer, and the people come running. It’s quite charming.
After Joe, the crew, and I finally found a parking spot about a mile and a half away, on the shoulder of a long country road, we flash our I.D.s, get a wristband, and start the party.
Turns out the party was already started. Doors opened at noon and we rolled in around 8 o’clock, so a good portion of the crowd was nice and tuned up. We bee-lined to the closest beer tub we could find, which was about 2 feet from where we had just gotten our wristbands, so we didn’t waste any time nabbing a beverage. The place was nuts (pun intended)! We get there just in time for the band to start so we post up in the back of the tent and get ready for the show. The band however, will wind up being my new favorite thing…
These guys are just 100% pure rock & roll fun. An 80’s themed hair metal band, who look and play the part. The crowd was absolutely loving it. And why wouldn’t they be? For four hours straight The Glam Band was crankin’ out massive hits from bands like Motley Crue, Poison, Journey, Ratt, Ozzy, and more. I definitely need to see these guys play on a consistent basis.
All day I fully planned on converting to vegetarianism for just this day, and somehow try to weasel out of any chance of me eating a bull nut. Of course, that didn’t happen. I caved to the peer pressure (I’m weak). So here I am, gazing at this fried cow testicle covered in ranch dressing like I’m staring down the barrel of a gun. Thinking too hard hurts, and anticipation can be brutal, so I grabbed the cow testicle and threw it in my mouth.
Can’t chicken out now.
Thank God this thing was covered in ranch dressing because that’s all I could taste, so I’m thinking, “Hey, that’s not bad!” The consistency wasn’t as rubbery as I thought it would be, but still…this ain’t no chicky tender, let’s be real. At this point, the ranch dressing flavor started to go away and I had a feeling I was in trouble. Now what I had was a somewhat rubbery, almost tasteless hunk of cow junk in my mouth. I say “almost tasteless” because it was pretty flavorless, except for a strong “gamey” flavor that only increased as I kept chewing and now started to have hints of liver flavor (which is disgusting). So I did what I thought the smartest move would be…just wash it down with a mouthful of Black Cherry White Claw.
Well, now that nightmare is over, I feel like I earned my wings, and never have to eat another bull testicle again. At least I walked away with a 2022 Testicle Festival t-shirt that I will cherish forever because of the absurdity of it all (Great conversation starter, BTW).
0/10 – Would not recommend bull testicles.
10/10 – Highly recommend the Testicle Festival (and The Glam Band).
